


The Life Cycle of the Garuldian Frog.

by jhsdhalr



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-12
Updated: 2012-05-12
Packaged: 2017-11-05 06:11:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/403264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhsdhalr/pseuds/jhsdhalr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Crack--this is a little taster from the final part-----The assembled spectators gasped as the horizon was filled with the frightening sight of a massive frog carrying a Volvo within its front legs.</p><p>''LOOK" shouted Tosh "it's got an S80--I love those!''</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Life Cycle of the Garuldian Frog.

Stage One: Horse.

 

"This is the footprint of a Gigantic Frog'' said Jack, as the five members of Torchwood 3 stood staring down at a shapeless blob in the grass. They were in the wilds, as Owen described it, of North Wales, and the weather was freezing.

''Conan-Doyle'' said Owen, trying to stop his teeth chattering.

''No'' Jack muttered ''it's probably a Garuldian Frog, I've never heard of a Conan-Doyle Frog.''

''He was an Author'' Ianto explained ''he wrote the Sherlock Holmes stories.''

''OH'' Jack exclaimed " I think I met him once. We had a very interesting discussion about fairies.''

Gwen groaned. ''So, what does this frog look like then?" she asked ''we need to know if we're going to catch it.''

''It depends which stage of its life cycle it's reached" Jack said ''anyhow, everyone spread out and look for more footprints, and droppings too.''

''Droppings?" said Tosh, shuddering.

''Shit'' Jack sighed.

''What does this shit look like?" asked Gwen.

''It depends'' Jack said calmly.

''What on?'' asked Gwen.

''Which stage of its life cycle it's reached'' Jack replied.

''I think it might be helpful if you tell us about these stages, Jack" said Ianto "and hurry up, before we all freeze to death out here.''

''Well---" Jack said slowly ''I'm not sure which stage it's reached but--I think--going by the footprints-- it's still at stage one. I'll know more when we've found some shit--it should be bright yellow.''

''Great'' Owen complained ''not only am I about to die of cold but NOW I have to search for a massive frog that produces bright yellow shit!"

''It's part of the fun of the job'' Jack grinned.

They separated and walked slowly across the field looking at the ground. After about five minutes, Tosh gave a shout and they all ran over to her. Just in front of her was a HUGE pile of bright yellow sludge. They all stared down at it.

''Is this it?" asked Tosh ''it seems an awful lot for a Frog to do even if it is a BIG frog!"

Jack bent down and looked closely at the yellow heap. Then he sniffed it. He stood up again and beamed a happy smile at them. '' Yep'' he exclaimed cheerfully ''That's it all right--and it's still at stage one--oh this is fantastic--I've always wanted to see a stage one Garuldian Frog.''

''So'' said Owen ''we have to look out for a really big frog, then?"

''Horse'' said Jack.

''What?" Owen muttered.

''It'll look like a horse'' said Jack.

''Maybe I'm being really stupid'' said Gwen ''but if it looks like a horse--why is it called a frog?"

''Because it IS a frog'' Jack replied, seriously ''it wont ALWAYS look like a horse.''

"So we're looking for a horse then?" Ianto commented.

''Only if it's still at stage one'' said Jack.

''Suppose--" Owen snapped crossly ''it isn't at stage one when we find it--what will it look like then--a frog--maybe?"

Jack shook his head. "It'll look like a pig then'' he said.

Owen started to look angry. ''We're looking for a frog that looks like a horse'' he moaned ''but if we don't catch it soon it'll turn into a pig-what happens to it next?"

''It'll turn into an earthworm'' said Jack ''we HAVE to catch it before that because they eat Robins.''

''ROBINS?" shouted Owen.

''They climb up trees'' said Jack ''very fast.''

''I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS!" shouted Owen ''IT'S SOME KIND OF HARKNESS JOKE---ISN'T IT?"

Gwen and Tosh both started to laugh. Jack glared at them. ''It's NOT funny!" he shouted ''I was bitten by one once--it was agony.''

''You were bitten by an earthworm?" Ianto looked more puzzled than anything else.

"Of course not'' Jack sighed ''it had turned into a fox by then.''

''Just how many times does this thing change its appearance, Jack?" Ianto asked, at last.

''Seven'' said Jack ''it'll look like a horse, then a pig, then an earthworm, then a fox, then a builder, then a cat, then finally a frog--a really big frog--20 Feet high.''

''That big'' said Owen, grinning somewhat evilly ''and what this about a builder?''

''You KNOW what a BUILDER is'' Jack shouted angrily.

''How do you know it's a builder, then?" Gwen asked.

''Er--well---''Jack actually started to look embarrassed ''it--erm--well---starts to --erm--well--build walls---you know--walls---stone walls--the kind that have no mortar.''

They all laughed then, except Jack, who just went red and looked at the ground. This was so unusual that Ianto pulled him aside and whispered in his ear ''is this really true, Jack?''

''Yes'' Jack whispered back ''on Garuldia everything living is like that. I know it sounds weird. I mean-- it isn't REALLY a horse or a pig or any of those things--that's just the nearest thing on Earth I could think of to explain its appearance.''

Before Ianto could say anything more about the weirdness of Garuldian Frogs in general, Gwen suddenly uttered an incoherent shout of anguish. She pointed across the field and they all saw it then--a HUGE horse--snorting what appeared to be fire from its nostrils. It was bright green in color and had fluorescent ears.

''Now you know the origin of dragon stories'' said Jack, looking surprisingly calm in the face of what seemed to be remarkable danger.

''We should just shoot it'' said Gwen, drawing her gun.

''NO" Jack yelled ''we need a virgin, that calms them.''

''Aren't you thinking of unicorns?" asked Tosh ''I thought that was virgins.''

''OH FUCK!'' Jack shouted '' SO I AM.''

''Anyhow'' Owen commented " we HAVEN'T got a virgin.''

''Let's just shoot it'' Gwen pleaded ''come on. I really want to shoot it.''

''It's rare'' Jack said ''you can't shoot something that's rare.''

''I could actually'' Gwen told him.

The horse/dragon meanwhile had stopped pawing the ground and snorting and had started to make a slow and leisurely run in their direction. ''Maybe we'd better shoot it'' Jack sighed as it slowly approached them.

They were all prepared to kill the thing when it disappeared abruptly in a flash of pink light and smoke. They staggered about in the smoke, coughing. When it finally cleared a little the horse/ dragon had gone and in its place was a large placid looking pink pig.

''Oh good" said Jack ''stage two. We can get it back to the Hub now.''

His team all groaned, loudly.

 

Stage Two: Pig.

 

By the time the members of Torchwood Three arrived back at the Hub, the pig was VERY hungry and VERY angry. It paced back and forth in its cell, making hideous snorting noises and covering the cell in something that smelled revolting and looked like pale purple snow.

''We need to feed it'' Jack said, as they all stood looking at it as it paced in the cell.

''What does it eat?'' asked Tosh, wrinkling her noise at the smell.

''Brussels Sprouts'' said Jack, ''go and buy some Gwen.''

''Why me?'' asked Gwen, crossly.

''Because I just told you to'' Jack informed her ''and buy a lot---oh--and while you're out there--get some Pizza--for us.''

''Pepperoni'' Owen shouted after Gwen's departing back.

''Four Cheese'' Ianto yelled at the same moment.

''And don't get anything with Olives'' Jack called out a second later.

''Why does it stink so much?" Tosh moaned, as they all continued to watch the pig.

''It's upset'' said Jack.

''I'm upset too'' said Tosh ''I hate that smell.''

''Let's leave it alone until Gwen comes back with the sprouts'' said Jack.

''I hate sprouts'' commented Owen, as they moved away from the cell.

''Me too'' said Tosh.

''I love them'' said Ianto ''raw.''

Owen made gagging noises as they arrived on the main floor of the Hub. They all hovered aimlessly about waiting for Gwen to arrive back with the food. Jack and Ianto went into Jack's office. Jack sat down at his desk and opened a drawer. He removed a large bright pink butt plug from the drawer and waved it at Ianto, who promptly went as pink as the pig. Jack put the plug on top of the desk and removed several metal rods from the same drawer.

''What are those for?" asked Ianto, looking out of the office to see if Owen and Tosh were looking their way, which, at that moment, they weren't.

''Soundings'' said Jack ''you've never used them, Ianto? You haven't lived---."

''What are they for?'' asked Ianto, getting irritated.

''Don't you know?'' asked Jack, looking amused.

''Oh yes'' snapped Ianto crossly ''I'd be asking what they were for if I knew, wouldn't I?''

''You push them up your cock'' said Jack, grinning.

''UGH'' Ianto moaned ''don't they hurt?''

"You start with a thin one and work up'' Jack explained ''they really are fantastic.''

''I AM NOT PUSHING ONE OF THOSE THINGS UP MY COCK'' shouted Ianto ''NO MATTER HOW THIN IT IS!''

At that inopportune moment Gwen came in with the Pizzas. Ianto and Jack discovered everyone was gazing at them with expressions of amusement {Owen} and surprise {Gwen and Tosh}.

''Later'' said Jack getting up and putting the rods and plug back in his desk drawer.

"Much later'' Ianto muttered to Jack's departing back.

Watching the pig eat its way through a huge pile of Brussels sprouts was, Tosh thought, probably the most revolting thing she had ever seen in her life. This feeling wasn't helped by the fact that most of the sprouts seemed to emerge very speedily out of the other end of the pig. Finally, much to her relief, the sprouts were all gone and the pig flopped down onto the filthy floor of its cell, grunting happily, or at least loudly anyhow. They all stood watching it from a safe distance and their vigil was rewarded when the pig uttered a VERY VERY LOUD SQUEAK and disappeared in a cloud of evil smelling smoke. When the smoke cleared they saw that the pig had been replaced by a 20 foot long brown snake.

''Stage Three'' shouted Jack, in ecstasy ''the earthworm.''

''That's an EARTHWORM?'' shouted Owen.

 

Stage Three: Earthworm.

 

''We need to feed it'' said Jack immediately, as they watched it slithering up the walls of the cell.

''I thought you said it eats Robins'' said Gwen ''it'll need hundreds of them. Where'll we get them from?''

''I could probably shoot some'' Owen said ''I'm a very good shot.''

''I don't think there are enough Robins in Cardiff to feed a thing that size'' said Tosh, gazing at the giant worm with horror.

''If we feed it" Jack explained ''it'll go into its next life stage quicker.''

''WE CAN'T LAY OUR HANDS ON SEVERAL HUNDRED ROBINS JUST LIKE THAT!'' Ianto shouted angrily.

''What about out in the countryside?'' asked Tosh.

''Oh yes'' said Owen, sarcastically ''I can just see us all hunting around for Robins in the woods and trying to shoot several HUNDRED of the damn things.''

''I've got an idea'' said Gwen suddenly ''what about chicken?''

''Chicken?" Jack sighed ''what d'you mean, Gwen?''

''We feed it chicken, instead of Robins'' Gwen said patiently, looking at Jack as if she thought he was slightly stupid.

''Chickens are NOT like Robins'' Jack exclaimed ''it'll know the difference--besides, it eats them RAW.''

''We can get some from a Farm'' said Gwen ''and paint their chests red--I mean look at it--it can't be very intelligent, can it?''

''Wont the paint poison it?'' Tosh asked, looking worried.

''We can use that paint they sell for kids'' said Gwen ''non Toxic.''

''I don't care if we DO poison it'' Owen grumbled ''why don't we just shoot it now--that's what I want to know?''

''It's rare'' Jack said.

Owen scowled. "If you say it's rare one more time, Harkness, " he snapped ''I'm going to give you a punch in the eye.''

''You and whose Army?'' Jack responded.

''I can take you'' Owen growled ''I may not be big but I'm VERY sneaky.''

''Oh shut up, you two'' Tosh shouted ''you're worse than a couple of kids. I'll go and buy some chickens.''

''I'll go and buy some red paint'' said Gwen.

''And I'm going to go and tidy the basement'' said Ianto.

Jack and Owen stared at each other. ''I could floor you with one punch'' said Jack, as they circled each other slowly.

''Go on then'' Owen encouraged ''just try, I dare you.''

''I will'' Jack said ''in a moment.''

''And then I'll give you one back'' Owen replied ''and that'll be the end of it.''

Before, however, they could do anything to each other, the worm made a loud hissing noise and they both looked into the cell to see what it was doing, This was, as it turned out, a serious mistake. The worm rose up high and spat a long, thick stream of blue spittle at them. Within a second they were both covered from head to foot in blue sludge.

''I think'' Jack remarked, pushing the sludge out of his eyes with difficulty ''it's a bit cross.''

''I know just how it feels'' Owen moaned.

''We need to take a shower'' Jack said.

''Funny'' Owen complained, as they made their way to the area in question ''I was thinking of staying like this--blue suits me.''

''It doesn't actually'' Jack muttered ''you look hideous in blue--now me---I look great.''

Owen swore loudly and gave Jack's back, which was just in front of him, a hard push. Jack wobbled a bit and then turned around and pushed Owen back. They fell to the ground pushing and kicking each other and spreading blue sludge in all directions. They only stopped struggling because Gwen and Tosh returned surprisingly speedily from their shopping trip.

''And men think they're the superior sex'' said Gwen, witheringly, as Jack and Owen got to their feet, scowling angrily and pointlessly at each other.

''Let's go and feed this worm, Gwen'' said Tosh '' and leave the children to their game.''

''He pushed me first'' said Jack, pouting childishly.

''YOU said I looked hideous'' Owen complained.

''ONLY IN BLUE!'' shouted Jack '' NOT ALL THE TIME----sometimes---sometimes you look OK--nice even.''

''Really?'' said Owen ''d'you like that suit I bought last month then--the light brown one?''

''Yes'' said Jack ''it brings out the color in your eyes--what about my grey pants with the silver threads?''

''Very smart'' said Owen.

''OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE!'' shouted Gwen, exasperated ''let's go and feed this damn worm."

They managed to feed the Worm by simply opening the cell a crack and throwing the chickens, complete with carefully painted red breasts, into the cell. The worm promptly ate all the chickens. One end of it opened wide and the chickens simply disappeared inside whole, legs, wings, head and all. Just as the last chicken entered the worm Ianto arrived carrying the Pizzas.

''These'' he said '' are getting cold.''

The next moment the Pizzas were snatched from his grasp and were being speedily devoured. Owen and Jack were still covered in blue slime too. Ianto was shocked.

''You're all behaving very oddly'' he commented, watching them from what he hoped was a safe distance.

''We're just hungry'' explained Gwen, through a mouthful of Pizza.

''What's that blue stuff?'' asked Ianto, looking at Jack and Owen suspiciously.

''Spit'' said Jack.

''Worm spit'' said Owen and they both laughed.

''I hope it's not poisonous'' Ianto sighed.

''Oh look'' Jack cried out, ignoring the poison remark completely ''it's about to transform again---it'll be a fox next.''

They all looked into the cell and sure enough, there was the now familiar smoke, green this time, and when it cleared, a small and very bored looking red fox was sitting in the cell licking its butt.

''Oh'' shouted Jack '' isn't that SWEET.''

Ianto banged his head on the wall and groaned.

 

Stage Four: Fox.

 

Despite Jack's tale of being bitten by a Garuldian Frog when it was in stage four, this particular fox was VERY friendly. In fact, it was so friendly that they released it from the cell and took it upstairs with them. Soon it was sitting on Gwen's lap being fed Milk Tray Chocolates from her hand while Tosh stroked its tail.

''Women'' Owen scowled when he returned from his somewhat delayed shower.

''I like women'' Jack said ''a lot.''

''They have their uses'' Owen muttered darkly.

''When are YOU going to wash, Jack?'' Ianto asked.

''I need company to get really clean'' Jack explained ''there are all those hard to reach places to deal with.''

''I'm not in the mood to get reacquainted with your hard to reach places, Jack'' Ianto snapped.

''I'll do it on my own then!'' snapped Jack in reply, and stamped off.

''Men'' said Tosh.

''They have their uses'' replied Gwen, and they both laughed. Unfortunately, this moment of camaraderie was ruined by the fox suddenly jumping off Gwen's lap and running after Jack. It caught up with him just by the staircase and promptly bit his ankle--hard. Then it ran back to Gwen and jumped back on her lap, looking very pleased with itself.

''I HATE GARULDIAN FROGS!" Jack shouted as he disappeared, limping, out of sight.

''Sensible creature'' said Owen ''I've often wanted to bite Jack myself.''

He went over to the fox and put his hand out, meaning to stroke it. The fox had other ideas though and managed to bite him on the hand before he could get out of the way. Gwen and Tosh both laughed.

''It doesn't seem to like men'' Tosh remarked ''sensible creature.''

''They do have their uses'' repeated Gwen, and she and Tosh giggled loudly.

Owen scowled and went off to play a Game on his PC, one involving as much killing as possible. When Jack returned, looking clean but cross, the fox was sitting on Tosh's lap and being fed Cheese and onion crisps. Jack was mad.

''Stop feeding that damn thing or it'll turn into a builder'' he shouted.

''Are you SURE it only builds dry stone walls?'' Ianto wanted to know ''because I can't see much use for a dry stone wall around here.''

''It's a common life stage on Garuldia'' Jack said, looking irritated at his word being doubted yet again ''when I was there we had a Carascis Tiger build us a Conservatory.''

Ianto groaned and Tosh and Gwen laughed. It was unfortunate that at that moment Owen turned up to see what was going on.

''Are you STILL feeding that thing?'' he shouted at Gwen and Tosh.

''It's cute'' Tosh said, stroking its ears.

''Gorgeous'' said Gwen, bending over and kissing its shoulder.

Owen marched over to Jack and gave his chest a hard push. "This is all your fault, Harkness'' he complained, pushing Jack again ''we should have killed it when it was a horse.''

Jack stamped on Owen's left foot. ''IT'S INTERESTING!'' he screamed ''YOU DON'T KNOW WHEN YOU'RE FACED WITH SOMETHING REALLY INTERESTING DO YOU? TOO DUMB!"

''DON'T YOU STAMP ON ME, YOU BIG BULLY!'' Owen screamed back.

They flung themselves at each other and toppled to the floor, screeching and shouting and kicking each other. As they did so the fox jumped off Tosh's knees and was immediately enveloped in a cloud of orange smoke which also enveloped Owen and Jack. Gwen and Tosh coughed and Ianto ran up just in time to see the smoke filling the main part of the Hub.

When the smoke cleared, a large naked male with orange skin and hair was standing looking at them with a puzzled expression. On the floor were two small boys fighting each other and being hampered by the over large clothing they were apparently wearing. The orange man started to look around the Hub and his eyes alighted on some loose stones in the water that covered parts of the floor. He began to gather them up. The two small boys stood up, with difficulty, and glared at each other.

''THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT'' shouted the shorter of the two, who bore a frightening resemblance to Owen, only in miniature.

''YOU PUSHED ME" said the other boy, who was quite obviously a small version of Jack, and apart from size seemed hardly to have changed at all.

''SHUT UP'' shouted Tosh, and she promptly grabbed the pair of them by their shirt collars and marched them into Jack's office. ''I wont put up with this SHIT any longer'' she told them ''we're stuck here with a frog that's building a dry stone wall and you two have turned into kids. I want to know what to do next because, to be honest, I haven't a clue!''

 

Stage Five: Builder.

 

While Tosh tried to decide what to do with Jack and Owen, the builder started building a small rather uneven wall across the main floor of the Hub. As Gwen and Ianto watched it, two things soon became strikingly obvious. One was that this particular frog was a lousy builder. Two was the inconvenient position of the new wall. To get to the staircase that led to Owen's Lab you had to climb over the wall.

''It's not very good, is it?'' Gwen mused, after part of the wall fell down for the third time.

''It probably needs more practice'' Ianto replied.

''I thought it'd be a good builder'' said Gwen quite seriously.

''Me too'' said Ianto.

''I wonder what it eats?'' Gwen sighed ''perhaps we should feed it, then it'll become a cat. I like cats.''

''What do builders eat?" asked Ianto.

''I think they like cheese and pickle sandwiches'' Gwen informed him ''I think we've actually GOT cheese and pickles. I'll make him some sandwiches, shall I?''

''Good idea'' said Ianto "I'll give you a hand. I'll make it some tea. Builders like tea, I think, with lots of sugar."

Tosh, meanwhile, was trying to find out exactly what had happened to Owen and Jack. The only thing she could think of was the fact that they had both been bitten by the fox. She wondered if getting the builder to bite them would restore them to their former selves. Somehow she thought it was unlikely.

''I think you both need to be bitten again'' she said at last, because she couldn't think of anything else ''preferably in the same place you were bitten before.''

''I was near the sofa'' said Owen.

''The place on your BODY'' Tosh almost shouted in exasperation.

''I don't want to be bitten by a builder'' Owen moaned ''he's big and orange.''

''I don't mind'' Jack exclaimed, grinning wickedly.

''Let's go and see what he's doing'' Tosh said to them ''come on, boys.''

''I AM NOT A BOY!" shouted Owen ''I JUST LOOK LIKE ONE.''

''No, you're a mouse'' said Jack, and fell onto the floor laughing loudly. Owen jumped on him and they grappled ineffectually. Tosh pulled them apart.

''You have to behave like adults'' she told them sternly ''or else you'll stay as kids, I'm sure.''

''He started it'' Owen said.

''You stink'' said Jack.

''I DO NOT STINK'' shouted Owen, and then contradicted himself right away by adding ''YOU STINK WORSE!"

''SHUT UP!" shouted Tosh ''OR I'LL BITE YOU MYSELF!"

They discovered that the builder was taking a break. He was sitting on the sofa eating cheese and pickle sandwiches and drinking hot sweet tea. A rather unsafe looking wall stretched across the floor of the Hub. To get around you had to climb over it. Seeing Gwen and Ianto doing this made Owen and Jack laugh. Tosh tried unsuccessfully to keep her expression totally neutral. She went up to the builder.

''Now'' she told it firmly '' see those two boys over there. I just want you to bite the smaller one on the hand and the other one on the ankle---please.''

The builder was evidently an obliging creature but somewhat dim. It got up immediately and bit Jack on the hand and Owen on the ankle. Then it fell to the ground groaning and gnashing its teeth. After some moments of this, smoke emerged from its eyes and nose and mouth and ears. The smoke was silver colored and soon no-one could see anything at all. When the smoke cleared they all saw a very small black cat sitting where the builder had fallen. It yawned, ran to the sofa, jumped up on it and went to sleep.

''I'm still small'' complained Owen, examining himself in dismay.

''So am I'' said Jack ''but never mind. There's the cat. Stage Six. I love cats.''

''I hate cats'' said Owen, scowling.

''That's because you're stupid and dumb'' said Jack, immediately, and they began to fight once more.

''I told them to behave like adults so they could change'' Tosh told Gwen and Ianto.

''They weren't behaving like adults BEFORE '' Gwen pointed out.

''That's true'' Tosh agreed.

''How are we going to change them back?" Ianto asked ''that's what I want to know.''

''No idea'' said Tosh.

 

Stage Six: Cat.

 

''Perhaps if the cat bites them---" Gwen mused.

''OH" Ianto suddenly shouted "I've just had a thought------"

''Yippee" said Owen "Tea-Boy has had a thought!"

''Shut up you little monster'' said Ianto and promptly boxed Owen's ears ''it may not have been the BITES that changed them at all.''

''What ELSE was there?" asked Tosh, looking blankly at Ianto.

''They got covered in worm spittle" said Ianto, with a smug expression '' all we have to do--is--erm--get the cat to spit on them----.''

Gwen and Tosh looked at him in amazement. Then they both started to laugh.

''How can a cat that size produce enough spit to cover two boys?'' laughed Gwen.

''Well--" said Ianto slowly "it's not really a cat, is it---I mean--it's really a gigantic frog. Anyhow, maybe just a LITTLE bit of spit would do."

''I'm not letting a cat spit on ME" said Owen, scowling ferociously.

''I like cats'' said Jack, looking slightly worried ''I'm not sure I like their spit though--"

''How do we get it to spit?'' asked Gwen.

''Wake it up'' Tosh suggested ''irritate it, I suppose. Go on you two, go and bother it.''

''I don't want to'' said Owen.

''Neither do I'' said Jack.

At this moment the cat woke up and jumped off the sofa. It stretched, yawned again and then ran at Jack and bit his ankle. Then it jumped at Owen and bit his hand quite hard. While Jack and Owen stood yelling and clutching at their bleeding wounds, the cat rushed across the Hub, jumped nimbly over the wall and the next minute jumped back again gripping a mouse in its jaws. They all watched, horrified, as the cat mauled, chased, and finally killed and ate the mouse. Bits of mouse innards seemed to be everywhere. It was revolting, they all thought. At last the cat was satisfied and evidently so was whatever caused the creature to change its appearance, because the cat abruptly jumped high in the air, gave a horrendous yell of seeming anguish and suddenly was enveloped in a thick cloud of brown smoke.

When the smoke cleared the cat had gone. In its place was an enormous frog. So enormous was it that it almost filled the Hub. Gwen, Tosh and Ianto found themselves pressed up against a wall unable to move. Near them they could see a bit of the sofa, most of it being covered with frog. Standing balanced precariously on the back of the sofa were Owen and Jack. They were, miraculously, adult sized again.

''Stage seven'' shouted Jack, looking very pleased with himself ''The One and Only Garuldian Frog.''

The others dutifully applauded. The frog croaked, VERY LOUDLY.

''Oh shit'' Jack moaned, holding his ears ''how are we going to kill the damn thing?"

 

Stage Seven: Frog.

 

The frog jumped and gave them all a fright. It was a fantastic jumper. So fantastic was it, in fact, that it jumped clean out of the Hub, straight past the invisible elevator and somehow, they never figured out quite how, it arrived in the street. It was rush hour. The streets were full of people. Then suddenly, the streets were empty as everyone ran away from the frog, screaming.

Jack, Ianto, Owen, Gwen and Tosh pursued the frog in the SUV. Within a half hour, various TV companies had arrived and reporters were giving reports on the Crisis. The BBC abandoned its normal schedules and concentrated on the frog. There was a News Flash to begin with:

''Reports are coming in'' stammered a flustered looking newsreader ''of a gigantic creature resembling a frog being seen in the streets of Cardiff. We have a live report now from South Wales--''

''It's been seen in various places'' the reporter in Cardiff said ''evidently it's huge and bright green with darker green blotches."

''Turn that thing off'' shouted Jack at Tosh, as he drove through the deserted streets looking for the frog.

''It's amazing how quickly everyone disappeared'' said Tosh.

''Yes'' said Gwen " where did they all go?''

''The frog probably ate them'' said Owen and laughed.

''It eats bugs'' Jack explained "I've a feeling it eats something else too but I can't remember what. It's mostly bugs though.''

''You'd need thousands of bugs to feed a thing that size'' Ianto sighed.

''We have to kill it'' Jack muttered, as he drove around a corner on two wheels ''I don't want to but now its loose and so big---"

''YOU said it would be 20 feet tall'' said Owen, "so why is it 30 feet tall, that's what I want to know?''

''How the fuck should I know'' Jack shouted "they're rare--even on Garuldia.''

''We could go up in a Helicopter and drop a bomb on it'' said Gwen.

''Yes and kill hundreds of innocent people in the process'' Tosh muttered darkly.

''We have to herd it out of the City'' said Jack.

''How?" asked Ianto.

''Er--lure it somehow'' Jack mumbled ''we need to find something it really likes and lay a trail for it to follow.''

''What does it really like then?'' Owen snapped "go on--tell us--"

Jack sighed, wrinkled his brow in thought and then shouted out ''I KNOW--I REMEMBER BEING TOLD THIS SOMETIME----APART FROM BUGS IT EATS VOLVO'S.''

''You mean the Vehicles?'' Tosh asked, as the others all laughed.

''Yes" said Jack ''it likes 4 door Saloons. We just get one placed every so often along the route out of the City. It'll love it. Then--we blow it up."

''So'' cackled Owen ''they have a Volvo Factory on Garuldia, do they?''

''Yes'' Jack said, perfectly seriously '' and Ford too.''

''Can't we use Ford cars as well then?'' asked Gwen.

''I don't think it likes Fords'' said Jack ''we can go back to the Hub and arrange everything from there."

''Good'' said Tosh ''your driving makes me sick, Jack.''

''I learned in Westphalia'' said Jack.

''Really?"' Gwen asked, interested in this unexpected piece of information.

''Yeh'' said Jack ''on Alpha Retdonnedez. Great place to learn how to drive.''

Gwen groaned and Tosh tried not to throw up as they returned to the Hub and started to arrange delivery of the Volvo's. Then they had to arrange for them to be placed at strategic points along the route. Finally they drove out of town and waited for the frog to arrive.

''I'm glad what we do is classified'' said Ianto, as they waited for the frog '' I could never explain any of this to my Mother.''

''It's not very secret, is it though?'' said Owen '' I mean, there are about two thousand spectators out there now.''

This was only to true, unfortunately. It seemed that a large number of people from Cardiff and the surrounding countryside had arrived to watch for the frog, along with the Army and hundreds of reporters and cameramen from all over the World. Their vigil was soon rewarded as within a half hour of the Torchwood Team arriving, the frog appeared in sight. The assembled spectators gasped as the horizon was filled with the frightening sight of a massive frog carrying a Volvo within its front legs.

''LOOK" shouted Tosh "it's got an S80--I love those!''

''Why hasn't it eaten it?'' asked Gwen.

''Probably full up" said Jack ''it's had about 20 already.''

''Saving it for a snack later on'' commented Owen.

''I heard of a man that ate a Corsa once'' said Ianto.

''I bet it gave him terrible indigestion'' Owen laughed.

''I think it took a year'' Ianto muttered ''he didn't eat it all at once.''

''Let's blow it up'' said Jack ''all I have to do is press this plunger and whoops--no more frog--it's a great pity--as they ARE rare--but --''

''Just do it'' said Owen ''if you don't--then I will--it took us ages to set those explosives and it's just in the right place now.''

''Yep'' said Jack ''a half hour of solid toil.'' He gave a sigh and pressed the plunger. There was a HUGE bang and the next moment two thousand people were covered in bits of decimated frog and mashed Volvo. It was magnificent and the air was soon filled with loud cheering. Jack pressed a second, much smaller plunger, and the air was filled with several thousand liters of Retcon. He made sure the windows and vents of the SUV were firmly closed first, of course.

Later, back in the Hub, they opened a Magnum of champagne and toasted the frog a number of times. Finally, Owen, Gwen and Tosh went home and Ianto and Jack went to bed.

''Suppose I demonstrate those Sounds to you then'' Jack said casually, as he leaned back on his small untidy bed, totally naked.

''Not tonight, dear'' said Ianto, rolling over onto his side and shutting his eyes ''I'm tired.''

''BUGGER" moaned Jack.

''I TOLD YOU'' Ianto responded ''NOT TONIGHT.''

The next morning, Ianto concluded that the frog thing had been a weird dream. Especially as Gwen, Jack, Owen and Tosh seemed to know nothing about any of it. Then, half way through the morning, Tosh told them all, in an excited voice, that something very strange was happening in North Wales. Several Farmers had found huge footprints on their land accompanied by large heaps of what appeared to be bright yellow shit.

''It sounds'' Jack told them ''very much as if we have a Garuldian Frog loose up there. This is fantastic. They are so rare and they have a fascinating life cycle.''

Ianto groaned and banged his head on the wall. "NOT AGAIN!" he shouted ''NOT AGAIN!''

 

THE END.


End file.
